Now it is all up in in my boss’ face

 

That i am so stressed i fall i asleep in my specs and crack them!!i hope she’s feeling guilty enough to grant me an all expense paid trip to Jamaica!

Perfecting the art of being on the brink of a breakdown!

University came to an end last week.

I had many stories to tell but for some reason today has not been quite my day.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that i had to wake up in the heavy downpour and find my way to work when all i wanted to do was cover myself. or maybe the fact that the sun has stubbornly refused to make an appearance today.

Mummy says i should be happy that the moment i walked out of school i walked into an office, to my own desk. And i am happy. God knows I am. Happy that whereas many of my friends may have no idea what to do next i did not have to contend with the”Now what?” question. I am counting that as an immense blessing.Really. so why is my soul troubled thus?

 

asking myself why I got out of bed. Feeling so fake even that bite of sausage and cheese pizza didnot help me feel any better. even that call to him did not calm my nerves but rather had me choke on my tears…am not even looking forward to my favourite time of the day at the office: the time when this guy brings in the best samosas in the world to my desk.

Maybe am just sulking.just for just…maybe am just depressed about the fact that am growing up too fast!!

Am wondering where my Kelly Clarkson c.d is.Sad songs always see me through even sadder times!

I hope y’all are doing well. I promise to write again on a much more cheerful note.

  -H!

…because nature abhors a vacuum!

There is alot that has happened this year that hasn’t made alot of sense. And yet for the last two months, you have made alot more sense than alot more things in my entire life.

I am still amazed that for three years…three years you were right before me and i had no idea that you were what i was praying for…and more!

 

Oh! How i love you!!!

On the Playlist:

a) The ones that are really so meaningful now

Nakudata by Weasle

Diana by Philley Lutaaya remixed by Juliana

Pepper pot by Sean Paul

Finally by Brandy

Wow!!! by Brandy

and that Luganda song Withi u Withi u Withi u by Chris Brown

b)The ones i want you to listen to when words fail me:

Speechless by Michael Jackson

Diana by Juliana (Philley Lutaaya originally)

Baby Boy by Big Brovaz

and especially: Charge it to my head by Commissioned

                         More than I by Commissioned

 

****************************************************************************************

… have found that person. Now I laugh and love in the same breath!

(words of a very lucky blogger)

Searching…

The eye contact,
the connection.

The first phone call,
the confession.

The first date,
the denial.

The first night out,
mannerisms that spoke volumes:
stealing kisses at each other,
you kissing my fingers,
the “mistaken” carresses,
the verbal copulation…

The first kiss,
the right time,
the right moment
the right person-you!
“I love you”-you
“We should get married.I want to kiss you forever.”-me
words we feared to believe.

Questions
whether to give all
or hold back a little.

What became of that?
Did I see what I saw in your eyes
Or did i imagine it all?

Forgotten dates
the excuses

The long absences,
the gripping silence.

the long nights,
weeping for you.

am i wrong to want you
to want more
to look for a friend in you?

am i wrong to believe that
i deserve better?

will i be a failure-again
if i walk away?

will i ever be truly happy
if i stay?

*******************************
“See? This. This is the reason why falling in love is so goddamn hard!”
Will Smith in Hitch

Of intellectual ramblings and a confession…

It’s 8:00PM. Just been for one of those lectures. Yeah? Yes, am still in school. You thought I was working? I do. But also study at the same time. MUK. Sorry? Am a finalist…of second year. Yeah? Oh. School’s great. Work too…I work around, around… I know! Everyone is working as they study. If it isn’t a ka-stall in Wandegs, it’s making juice for sale in one’s room. Or buying a photocopying machine and then stealing the home house girl so she can work for you while you’re in class. Or it is money lending or a video library or something…anything. Enterprising young people? I know. You’d think we are outside countries. Isn’t that where people are supposed to study as they work so they can stay afloat? But now the government pays nothing for us yet we have to make ends meet. The pocket money the parents give us? Are you kidding? That covers only photocopying. So instead of running after my classmate Betty’s dad, I have to work.

Ok, now that you know some stuff about me, where was I…oh yeah. The lecture. He saunters in-the lecturer. He must have carried some heavy stuff when he was a kid because I have never seen him stand/walk with his back straight. To the lectern. White shirt. Khaki pants held onto his body by an old belt that looks like a banana fibre. Weather beaten shoes that could probably boast of having been displayed in Bata to allure moneyed customers- and very successfully. No books. Just a pierce of chalk and his phone. Smiles sheepishly and says,” Am sorry I missed the lecture last week. Am so embarrassed.”
Am thinking, “ You made us wait the entire week and you are…what? Embarrassed?…Whatever! Let’s get this show started!” Says we shouldn’t be afraid that he has not come with anything because that is when he is most organized. Without his notes. And no doubt. He happens to be one of those intelligent people. Has read everything that can be read including the ingredients that they put on a cereal box…and deeper things.
But right now standing in front me jumping from one topic to another without any connection to what he is supposed to teach us, he doesn’t look so bright. Evidently whatever he is going on about are just ejaculations from his drunken stupor. Am tempted to walk out. This is campus. But that is rude and maybe if I stay, he might just say some thing that is relevant to what am paying him for. But alas. This dude needs help. Am worried about how he will get home or whether he will mark my exams in that state. Will he give me more marks or less? What is the education for if he can effortlessly look like the village drunk who doesn’t even know how to spell his name? Why isn’t this guy the role model that I so desire to have when he actually has every thing it takes?

The confession…
I had a crazy weekend. I never do anything crazy in my life. By virtue of my faith, I don’t drink. By virtue of my personality, I don’t hang out. Am not good with crowds. I go places when I have to. Am a-stay-in-to-read-a-novel-or-catch-a nice-movie person. I take evening strolls and then I might call up the girls so we go for pizza or ice cream or both. Pretty boring, huh?
Saturday was a bad day though. I needed to be somewhere where I wouldn’t be thinking about the things stressing me and end up crying.
My person was therefore much in shock when I found myself at the Kyadondo Rugby club for what was called the event of the week! Forget Nakku’s press conference in her car revealing that she is the 2nd-in –command’s kyana. This was supposed to go down in history as a big do for 2007 besides the long awaited and fast-approaching CHOGM! I got there late. Naturally-my phobia for crowds again. Amarula was on stage wringing laughter out of people-in vain. Everyone was there. Even people I would have given money not to see. They were surprised that I was there. So surprised that instead of just saying an easy ‘wasap’ like we do when I see them on campus, they wanted a hug. And when I gave them the hug, they wanted to squeeze the life out of me. See why I avoid these things?
The man with the big fat belly that shakes like jelly when he jumps was there emceeing with shades at 8:00pm. Big, black shades at 8:00pm. Good thing he’s a celeb so he can get away with it. One of the main reasons I went was the meat but I got there and all of it was booked, I hear! Then as if the disappointment wasn’t enough, Redykyulass totally sucked. Ok, let me tell the truth. They didn’t perform. No. Nothing. They robbed us just like that!! So we stayed there up to about 11::00pm and my gangos (who are good at these things of hanging out) say that we relocate. Fat Boyz was the place. We get there and I almost run of my skin. Too many people. Half the time am thinking my one of brothers is going to come, ask me what am doing there, put me in his car and take me home. Mbu what am I doing there?! We decide to move to Alz’s to have some food. And thankfully there aren’t that many people. I tell my pips I can’t handle Fat Boyz so I suggest we go to Iguana (former Wagadugu).

Now that is what I call a place one can chill at. Nice music. Volume that is conducive for conversation and normal people, dressed normally, talking normally and sipping whatever is normal for them. All my friends had had bad days in the past so they ask for strong drinks. Naturally. I ask for a coke- away from my usual Fanta Orange. We settle down in a nice comfie seat and start the night. The seats are great! You might forget and even take a nap. Stevie Wonder playing in the background.
A very bored guy thinks he could be lucky with three beautiful girls sitting alone, asks if he can join us. He is politely turned down thinking to ourselves,” We would have come with company if we had wanted!” Insistent bored guy says we can order for anything on his bill. My friends get the idea that they can have their first smoke. Rex? Or Dunhill? Dunhill lights win the contest. A packet. Bored guy even offers the light. Any one who saw them must have guessed that they were first timers. The coke gets finished and it is just 2:00am with no plans of going away. Some thing nudges me to get a strong drink cos my mind is straying to the person that pissed me off yet I should be enjoying myself. My friends order for me. A colourless drink mixed with something green. My friend said something something double and lime. Bitter stuff but after two of them (two glasses, not sips) the euphoria sets in. the Dunhills and the drinks are working on my friends so they are talking on top of their voices. I shut up afraid that I might mention my father’s name in my drunken state and end up embarrassing the poor man. My friends start saying that the Dunhills are tasty. How can a cigarette be tasty, my curious mind keeps wondering…
We left at about 5:00am after guzzling bottles of water because we were too high to walk. Luckily a friend of ours came to pick and take us back to our places.
That is how Palm Sunday found me. Not at overnight prayers or nicely tucked in my bed but in bar high like high! I didn’t go to church of course but later in the day, I had a long chat with God in which he regrettably asked me when it was that I decided that prayer could not solve my problems but a drink would.
We (my friends and I) all had some moments with ourselves where we vowed never to catch ourselves in the state we had been in.
Am fine now. Am back to my usual sober and proper self. One thing that I can’t forgive myself though is the fact that I let someone piss me off so much that I turned to the bottle. That I gave my power of resolve over and did what was so unlike me…this is going to take me a while to get over…